I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
