Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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