Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
