Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
