I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
