im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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