Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
