I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
