Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
