I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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