oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Drake has all the answers
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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