I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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