I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
