im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
