We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
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Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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