I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
