Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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