I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
