I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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