Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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