I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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