WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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