Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.