Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
