This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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