I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
