I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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