True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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