how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
