Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
