3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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