the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
pop tarts are not kleenex
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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