i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
