gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?