We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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