WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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