is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
