masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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