I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
a search helicopter?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
