Midget sex pt 2 tonight
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
