I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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