at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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