I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
