I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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