He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
