Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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