Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
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sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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