i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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