he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
