our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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