her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I just sharted jello shots
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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