i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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