if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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